HAVE I REALLY BEEN HIBERNATING FOR SO LONG

I can hardly believe it is nearly 3 weeks since I was here.

TWJ and I have finished working for wages.

My weight has stayed approximately the same.

I spent 1 week more or less on my own house sitting for my friends at Otama Beach. Fortunately their were no guests booked and looking after the dog and cats only involved feeding twice a day and a few cuddles. I was alone because TWJ was still not well and the animal fur seriously aggravates his sinus condition.

It was a peaceful week with only a couple of excursions out for groceries and to care for Mum. Just what I needed. I slept and ate as I felt like and didn't have any damaging food after the first 2 days.

I came home Sunday afternoon and have not been out again. Bliss! I'm beginning to feel as though I can get my life into some kind of "normal" pattern. Tomorrow I have an 'all day' outing. For the first time since more than 18 months I can go to River Day, our monthly ladies retreat day where there is freedom for the Holy Spirit to minister and we have loads of wonderful worship. I don't know what I have missed most, the worship or my friends. It is a long day from here, I leave at 7.30 am and it could be 7 pm or later before I get home. Depends on how much time I spend at Mum's on the way home.

Mum is losing her strength and health by degrees. It's not pleasant watching the slow deterioration and of course she finds it depressing too when combing her hair demands more energy than she can muster. Lately her legs have been swelling until the skin is stretched to bursting and her legs are blue/purple/reddish. Her medication is being altered but that just adds to the stress on her kidneys. Sometimes life is so cruel. We have watched too many family members suffer as they died from cancer now we are watching Mum die by degrees from Heart Failure. It's not pretty. We console ourselves by saying that at least she still has a strong, clear mind although her memory for old family stories is sometimes a little shaky now. She still can bathe herself most days, get herself dressed, go to the loo on her own, occasionally get her own cup of tea or light meal, enjoy visitors, read, do crosswords and watch TV and enjoy living in her own home.

It is wonderful that we have been able to keep her at home with the wonderful views she has from her bedroom and lounge chair.
It's only because our daughter, Jay, is a nurse and is very familiar with aged care. I find it too stressful and am grateful I'm not needed full time. I get very stressed and upset if Mum is unwell and needs extra nursing care. I'm admitting that I don't like nursing her and as she needs more care we are calling up the support that is available through the medical/health system here. I'm hoping that the day does not come when I am expected to give Mum her shower and other personal care. It has been an eye opener for me to discover how I feel about this. I become angry, and panic, falling into depression, unable to function normally. I don't like touching people much and the thought of having to do more for my mother freaks me out. The sadness of watching my mother's body suffer the ravages of heart failure and general break-down of various organs is also a kind of grief as we see her enjoyment of life fade. Food is often not tasty, mostly due to the mess the various medications have done to her her tastebuds, but there is also the complication of a less vigorous digestive system too and the discomfort this can bring, not to mention the frequency of gout.

I look at myself and hope and pray I do not end up with similar problems. Mum was a lot fitter than I am at the same age. She gardened vigorously until a few years ago and went for a morning swim in the sea for six months of the year. She has never been as overweight as me. It's scary. I try to hang onto the thought that while I have some of her genes and we have many things in common that I am a different person and have my own journey to travel.

My prayer is that we will find her lying quietly at peace one morning having gone home with Jesus. And may this not be too far away.

I know I will miss her terribly but the truth is our life revolves around hers as long as Mum lives. We have put so many things we want to do on hold. Mum is now 94 years and 6 months old. I know that many people live to be over 100 years old but that's not likely without a miracle of healing. We will somehow come through this time stronger people for the experience but I will be glad when it is over.

I LOVE THESE DAYS

Crisp blue sky with a few fluffy white clouds, warm with a breeze from the south carrying a touch of ice off the fresh snow on the mountain ranges.

Yesterday our town hosted a major road cycle race. 200 kilometres including some of the steepest hills in NZ. I take my hat off to all riders. The fastest ones are about 4 hours while there are others who take up to 8 hours. I met the middle group as they were finishing and I was going to work. They had been on the road 6 or 7 hours I would think. It's a bit hard to know without the results in front of me because the 1500 riders had a staggered start.

We have handed in our resignations at work. TWJ won't go back. I think the pneumonia has cleared but he's not well enough to work yet. I have 5 more shifts, finishing next Sunday. It is such a relief to have made the decision and acted on it. I know there will be days of regret especially when I juggle finances to pay the bills but I know I made the right decision.

I don't think I am going to get another job. The job market is still tight and even with many businesses gearing up for the holiday season I accept that there are many more younger people looking for work. Currently we are looking at hiring out our house for beach holidays. We have several options so will decide soon and set up a web-site and link in with friends who are already hosting tourists.

Meantime the healthy food continues to rot while I live on coffee and toast and beef sandwiches. Not the healthiest diet.

WHY DON'T I EAT THE GOOD FOOD?

I have become so stressed out it is ridiculous. Surely you would think I have had time to learn to go with the flow, chill out, take life as it comes and all those other cliches.

Not so!

TWJ has double pneumonia and was close to becoming a hospital case. He has almost completed a course of antibiotics and still very shaky and coughing a lot. It's a long weekend here, being Labour Day on Monday, celebration of worker's rights and possibly the 8 hour day/40 hour week. The earliest he can see Dr. is Tuesday and he will have been without the antibiotics for 2 days. I'm not very happy about that but as he is better than last week am hoping that he will be given another, maybe long term, antibiotic and all will be well. I do not want to have to take him to hospital or for X-rays, all of which involves 1 & 1/2 hours drive one way.

I've stooged along this week getting one day nearly right then losing it altogether again. I haven't been sleeping well and seem to have done a lot of minor running around. Being a long weekend my work roster has been slightly changed as the shop is open until 9 pm instead of 8 pm and being a holiday destination people shop as though there is going to be a famine for a month. And that's without the booze. I'm quite pleased about the way I'm handling the weighty items and the continuous stream of customers. Sometimes I barely have a chance to lift my head to acknowledge customers, and sometimes I do wish they would go away but mostly I've kept a good attitude and been able to cover my frustration when people seem stupid. Yesterday I had to get trolleys for goodness knows how many women who had managed to carry too much stuff in their arms, dump it all on the counter and then dash away from the checkout to collect a package of beer as well. There was no way they could carry it all out. All adds to the business of an already busy time.

AND we had the supervisor from Hell on. I was supposed to be able to leave as soon as things got quiet, hopefully 8.30 pm, which it did, but 'her' wasn't going to let me go. I'd had enough of 'her' so yelled at 'her' and was really cross with myself for not handling it better. As a result 'her' asked me if I was going to work today then checked the roster. 'Her' took great joy in telling me I start an hour earlier than usual. I know I should have checked but I'm totally annoyed that they can change my hours without warning me. Unfortunately 'her' is Supervisor during my hours this afternoon too. Can you tell I'm %@*#%%*#.

My good Christian attributes, long suffering, patience and kindness are AWOL. I guess I will make an extra effort and get myself prayed up before I start. Talk about emergency praying!

The good thing is TWJ and I have done a little talking and he has agreed that working is getting too much and we should just learn to live on our Superannuation. I am adamant that he is not going back to work in the chiller and freezer. It's beginning tp look as though he will be off work a total of 4 weeks.

I'm not sure how well we will manage without the extra income. It looks impossible on paper what with the mortgage and still paying off our trip but somehow we will do it. Let's say we will have a financial adventure learning to live on the smell of an oily rag. Gifts will be home-made, mostly from things i already have stored and plan to do something with one day! We will resurrect our garden seriously and look after it properly. The owner of the shop is away until Nov. 4th but I'm inclined to write our resignation letters and hand them into the office this coming week. I'm not sure how this will work out because I know we have been overpaid a couple of times. E.G. the first week back after our trip was paid in advance so we might have to work an extra week to pay them back. Depends on how our holiday pay works out.

I will be free to take up the bakery job if they accept me, but I won't know for a few more days yet. I will offer to do a trial week without pay to see if I can hack the pace.

So that's me at present. Getting ready to go to work and face the Atmosphere. Worrying a little about TWJ. Worrying a lot about our finances. Stressed by our commitment to my Mum. Worrying about how we will cope with all the birthdays, our 3 sons have their birthdays eldest & youngest on the 13th and G on the 15th and the wedding next month, then TWJ's 74th birthday on Dec 1st. Concern for our daughter, Mum's primary care giver, who's work is pushing her to the limit right now and her partner has moved out. (Broken heart?) Add to that disappointment over our jobs. The little job I took on 18 months ago, with great joy, meeting people in a different way to anything previously experienced and being in paid employment for the first time in 45 years, has become a nightmare.

Life keeps on going and never ceases to be 'interesting.' The sun is shining. It is a beautiful day and I need to get my hair washed and start getting organised for work.

WE FINALLY GOT TO EXPERIENCE REDWOODS

I know this is weird, coming across a travel post so long after out trip but it has taken me all this time to get around tuit.

My last travel post left us sleeping at Depoe Bay. We left there quite early, probably about 9 am, after breakfast across the road at a roadside restaurant, Riptide BBQ, where the owner had a large outdoor BBQ where he smoked his own pork. John had The Great White breakfast, a huge plate of country potatoes, smoked bacon, own sausage, smoked ham, onions, gravy, topped with 2 eggs cooked, cheese, toast and more gravy for $8.75, I had Flap Jacks, the most tender pancakes imaginable. As we followed the coastline there was morning mist.

We continued on the Oregon coastal road over some hills covered in pines where I was startled to see what looked like a silver lake in the midst of the pines. This turned out to be sand glistening in the sun and not surprisingly was called Sand Lake. I woke up as we crossed the estuary into Coos Bay where we stopped for lunch. I was really cheesed off when TWJ said I had missed the great sand dunes around Winchester Bay.

We continued to drive down this lovely coastline until we reached Crescent City where we had fun and games finding a Motel. We asked our GPS to direct us and found that it kept choosing places in what had become a really rough part of town and all but one had closed down. In desperation we went to one on the beach but not only was it out of our budget but they had no rooms. Finally we decided on a Travel Lodge which proved to be more or less opposite the Redwood Centre. Very convenient.

At the Redwood Centre we discovered why the Tsunami Evacuation routes are so well signed all the way down this West Coast.We saw the water level, above our heads, as the waves went through the Centre in 1964. I wonder if it was the same one which caused a serious threat to our coastline in NZ.

At last we were in Californian Redwood Country. I have dreamed about coming here forever it seems. We decided to go take the Old Stage Coach road through some Redwoods. As we slowly drove through I was so awed, saying, 'If that was all we had done on this trip it was all worth while.' I so hope we can come back and drive through this road again. Weaving between these giant trees with the pretty undergrowth of ferns and other greenery on a dirt road that had once been a main route. At the Visitor Centre I had a good look around at their displays including the history behind the Humboldt Forest. We also saw a Jay bird. We had seen one once before at the Lake Shasta Caverns, 2006, and were curious to know what this beautiful bird was. The jolly bird took off into the foliage just as I finally got the camera ready.

We drove on to Eureka, last time we were here it was a touch down in a little North West plane on our way from L.A. to Redding. We were hanging out for coffee and as we entered the town saw a little sign on the side of the road, 2228 4th St., Eureka. The ladies, Lonnes Edible Artistry, were about to close for the day but we had a good time with them and took some photos of a guitar shaped cake they completed while we were there and was to have special focus at a concert that night.

We felt as though we'd had a fairly easy day so decided to drive on and finally stopped at Garberville after driving through the Avenue of Giants. John misread the Humboldt Park sign calling it Humbug Park. That kind of tickled me. We stayed at a very pleasant Motel, Sherwood Forest and ate nearby at Calico''s Deli and Pasta. I'm not a pasta person but was delighted by the meal we had here.

We had 2 nights left in USA. I'll finish our trip off in another post.

FROM BAD TO WORSE AND HOPEFULLY BETTER

Where do I start.

TWJ is still sick but well enough to take to Dr. today and it will be another 10 days at least before he goes back to work. I had to stay with Mum Thursday and Friday nights as daughter, Jay, was away. I felt so angry that I had little choice but to leave my sick husband to be with Mum. I would never have guessed that a day would come when I had to choose between my mother and my husband. Sometimes life stinks. I slept badly and ended up very sleep deprived.

Sat. nights we have the supervisor from hell .... or at least that's how it feels to me. This last Sat. I came so close to walking out, but I really cannot afford to toss my job because I don't like 'her' manner. It felt as though the wicked witch of the west had been let loose. I drove home, all 30 minutes, in tears. TWJ was very sweet and supportive when I got in. Funnily enough one of the young ones was very indignant and last night was telling everyone how disrespectful 'her' was toward me and she was off to tell senior management. It's a no win situation because 'her' has the approval of the boss who thinks everyone who complains about 'her' is a trouble maker. Never mind that nearly all find 'her' a problem. Many have left because they've had enough and many have been in tears. It's really sick when grown women end in tears because of one person. Strictly speaking 'her' is usually technically right. The locals must notice that the times 'her' is the most senior person on checkout there is an atmosphere. No joking, smiles are hard to come by as we are all stressed, no talking etc. I've even heard customers ask why we are all sucking lemons.

Needless to say what with being at Mum's and feeling so upset my eating plan went down the tubes and I am back to square one.

Today I take TWJ to Dr. He is coughing and spluttering and probably has a temperature. I am also going to look at another job. It's at a bakery. It could be a really bad move, (note bakery! bread, cakes .....), for me but have been assured that I will enjoy the workplace and the work is a lot lighter and the pay better. Not sure that I want to start at 4 am though. Because there is a more personal relationship with the manager and flexible hours I should be able to work it in with things I want to do as well as Mum's care but I will know all this a lot better later today.

I haven't made a great start today but I do have all my food in place it is just a matter of organising it in my head and doing it. I think I will feel better after a more relaxed day today.

STRUGGLING

Already I have messed up today. I didn't get home until nearly midnight from Church last night and was so hungry I made a jam & cheese sandwich. I really must make sure there is always my favourite vegie soup ready to heat, either frozen or fresh made, so I have something light, tasty and quick for these night-time snack/meals.

I have a fairly full day. TWJ is home sick, reckons he's getting better so won't bother chasing him off to Dr. Not only is there a cost but it would take 2 - 3 hours by the time I get him there and back. I am going to Mum's when I finish here, to get her lunch and dinner and have a few chores in town. So challenging foodwise especially as I've started the day with coffee instead of my healthy smoothie.

Later. I'm glad it's bed time otherwise I'd eat like a crazy woman. Tomorrow is going to be a better day.

ALMOST FREE DAY

I say almost because I'm going out to a church meeting tonight. Isn't it funny how things work out. Recently I have been crying inside for lack of Christian Fellowship and wondering how we can change our life to accommodate this without causing extra stress and along comes this opportunity to go to a mid-week meeting where friends are going to speak.n

In the meantime I have been pondering the change of attitude on low carbohydrate diets. There is still a hard core traditional group who are very disparaging of these types of diets equating them with the high fat Atkins rather than well balanced nutrition. I have many friends who have had surgery and when I listen to them, read their stories and watch their progress most of them still have their eating dis-order and have as many struggles as I do to eat and drink healthily. As fat has become a mainstream political battle so there has been recognition that weight loss by surgery or special diets is acceptable as long as they are nutritionally safe. While many nutritionists continue to say prissily, 'just eat less,' many recognise that there is a whole raft of reasons and difficulties behind the weightiness of the population, especially the 'educated middle classes.'

For instance I do not eat very much fast food, junk food or fried food but I have made some massive gains through over-eating and stress. My downfall foods will always be starches. That is my argument with WW. Their emphasis on carbohydrates drives me crazy. Why eat the almost empty calories in pasta, bread etc even if they are wholegrain, when all that nutrition is available in vegetables which do not have the same weight gain potential. I'm not intending to knock WW (or condemn anyone who eats those foods which I believe are healthy and I do like them,) ... just one of the reasons it doesn't work for me. I see the recipes and the menus and am put off before I start because I know that I cannot eat those things in the amounts recommended for weight loss and be satisfied. I look at the menu and feel defeated. It is better for me not to go there. WW is not alone in this kind of thinking. I've learned to switch off when those kinds of weight loss systems are being advocated. But it hasn't stopped me feeling guilty for deciding that I will not follow mainstream diet programs.

I have been sabotaged by this guilt several times. I've listened to those who called what I was doing unhealthy because it does not follow the standard set by blinkered nutritionists.

The first time was several years ago when I belonged to a very successful and supportive weight loss forum and a newish member posted some really stroppy comments about the unhealthy dangers of lower carb or ketogenic diets where one checks regularly that one is in the weight loss zone. I was on a well tried well tested program. It was working well. I felt the healthiest at any time in the last 35 + years. She never looked at my daily intake and exercise. She never accepted that I was probably eating a healthier diet than many people on the forum. I was eating aproximatly every 3 hours, 5 or 6 x day. I had protein at every meal including snacks. I also ate a measure of carbohydrate as found in vegetables and some fruits at every meal and I was eating less fat than my ordinary diet and taking an omega 3 supplement. I was walking and exercising, getting fitter everyday. Most of my food was unprocessed so I knew what I had prepared, cooked and eaten. I was drinking good amounts of water or herbal tea, almost no caffeine or soft drinks, (sodas).

I still wonder why I keep falling off this plan because it suits me so well but of course I miss the easy solution to dealing with stress .... a sandwich, heavy with butter, and whatever there is to fill it from jam, (jelly) and cheese to huge hunks of meat, or a relaxing visit to the cafe for cappuccino with cake.

I do know that I need affirmation to keep to my plan and continuous criticism implied or real eventually wore me down so that when 'Life' happened I was ill prepared to cope with the situation and continue against the grain of common thinking even when I knew I was doing what was best for me.

Sorry if this is a rambling thing to read but I am getting to the point.

Suddenly I find medicine is recommending diets based on shakes. In the 70s I tried a VLCD, very Low Calorie Diet. It was groundbreaking and on the fringe of what was acceptable practice. I can see little difference between that VLCD and Kate Morgan, (and other diets based on shakes, soups and diet bars,) except that that Kate Morgan may not be quite so low in calories. Suddenly Surgeons and Doctors are lobbying Governments to make it easier for overweight people to afford surgery to restrict their eating. People are put on 'shake' diet to prepare them for surgery. Suddenly Pharmacies are recommending and setting up consultation rooms for people on 'shakes.' All this is very interesting to someone who tried these things years before they became fashionable and then got scared.

You see I have some medical background and considered medicine to be almost God-like in the sense that it is based on science. I never considered that even science is subject to fads, subject to prejudice and can be ignored by people who don't want the status quo to change and how anything new or radical causes the 'old guard' to raise hackles. That meant that while I wanted to make an independent decision I also ran scared because I was bucking the system, the accepted way to lose weight.

Today there is an overload of information yet we still are told the old way is the best way with little regard for the individual or the facts. If the old way really worked there would be very few fat people.

Lifestyles have changed. There is a huge variety of tasty and quick food available that bewilders those of us who grew up decades ago. We need to hear more from the success of people who run good healthy programs that work. I cannot understand why the Lindora Clinic program is not up there with Atkins. It is so much more healthy. I can not understand why 'shske' diets such as Kate Morgan or Tony Fergusson are so maligned by so many when they work and give many people a chance to lose weight and then control their goal weight.

I need to believe in my own decision. I know what is best for me. I know what works for me. I know what makes me feel healthier but gives me better health. Somehow I need to have that knowledge become heart knowledge with the knid of confidence that makes it impossible for other people to undermine me by criticism either real or implied.

I have no idea what brought this impassioned tirade on. Maybe it was some bad memories, maybe it is knowing what my daughter will say when she discovers what I'm doing or maybe it was the comment from my hairdresser whom I adore and respect as a friend. She commented on all the 'chemicals' in these diet foods. Sadly I agree because I prefer to eat natural foods. When we have asparagus I don't fuss it up with dressing. We eat it plain, freshly cooked, off the plate, even without butter and it's delicious. Yummmm.

But I have a lot of weight to lose. I am growing older everyday and already my health is compromised and I am taking a fair amount of medication to reduce blood pressure. I have tried most things and have never found a permanent solution for me in over 50 years of being concerned about my weight. Note that the concern began while I was still normal weight. All I want is something I can do that will help me lose weight fast, get me away from danger foods, be reasonably satisfying, fit into my sometimes crazy life, and something I know brings the benefit of well-being.

Do I ague too much? Does that mean I have doubts?

Maybe but I'm pushing them to one side and getting on with what works.

No more doubting. No more letting other peoples fears and predjudices influence me. It's my life and I want to live it as best I can. I believe I am doing the best thing I can do to regain my healthy weight and maintain it.